How to Get Better at Doing Things Alone

As a recent college graduate in a new city, Samantha Elliott thought she’d be lonely. Instead, she found companionship in the most unexpected place: with herself. And that, ironically, helped expand her community.

“Being alone has this negative connotation, like it’s a punishment, but you’re learning to be friends with yourself,” says Elliott, who’s 24. Over the past few years, she’s gone on solo hikes and to concerts, museums, movies, and dinners alone—often meeting other people in the process. “It’s like I have this little secret with myself—this experience that was just for me,” she says. “Nobody knows it was a really lovely, profound time.” [time-brightcove not-tgx=”true”]

Spending time going places and doing things alone can be transformative, says Jessica Gaddy, a therapist in Los Angeles and avid solo traveler. She encourages many of her clients to become more comfortable with solitude as a means of self-care and self-exploration, and she helps them overcome their fears around venturing out alone. The potential benefits are extensive: Whether you’re taking yourself across the world or to a coffee shop on the other side of town, “you’re breaking outside of your comfort zone,” she says. “That grows your capacity to take on other challenges in your day-to-day life.”

Amid an epidemic of loneliness, it may seem counterintuitive to carve out alone time. But as long as you also have a strong social network, research suggests that quality solo time boosts happiness, curbs stress, and improves life satisfaction. It can even make you more productive and creative. Plus, when you’re alone, you’re able to get in touch with yourself in a way you can’t when surrounded by other opinions and ideas. “You have this isolated time to drown out the noise and influences from other people,” Gaddy says.

With that in mind, we asked experts how to master the art of spending time alone.

Start with a low-stakes outing

Write down what you’d like to do by yourself, ranked from the most intimidating activity to the least, Gaddy suggests. Traveling internationally or attending a concert might be a 10, for example, while going to the park may be a three. Then, brainstorm ways to make the easiest one less nerve-racking. “Maybe it’s driving by the park to get an idea of what your route would be and where you would walk, and to get comfortable with the environment,” she says. The next step might be a short solo walk.

When she coaches clients through this exercise, “they usually come back and say, ‘Oh, that wasn’t so bad at all,’” Gaddy says—which means it’s time to move up your list to the next challenge.

Do your homework beforehand

Once you’ve decided to head out on your own, search online to figure out exactly where to go. Look up places nearby that are, for example, great for dining alone; lots of restaurants have cozy window seats that are ideal for solo meals (versus being seated somewhere with lots of action, like the middle of the dining room). “Sitting at a bar is always kind of nice because you’re shoulder to shoulder with people, but you’re still having your own meal or drink,” Elliott says.

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You could also read reviews of other places that cater to solo activities, like museums, art galleries, farmers markets, and spas. The more excited you are about what awaits you, the more likely you are to have a great time.

Bring along a distraction—at first

When you start going places alone, it can be helpful to have something to focus on, like a book or journal. “You’re giving yourself something that grounds you and reminds you of who you are, even when you’re not around other people,” says Sanna Khoja, a somatic therapist in Houston who focuses on teaching clients mind-body techniques, like breathwork.

Keeping your headphones on and listening to a favorite podcast or audiobook can serve the same purpose. Eventually, as you get more comfortable, you’ll likely feel empowered to ditch whatever you were busying yourself with and engage more directly with your surroundings—but in the early days, distractions provide a welcome sense of solace.

Lean into moments of connection

On solo adventures, Elliott tells herself that even though she may have arrived alone, she’s not actually there by herself. She’s surrounded by potential friends. That mindset shift has helped her meet lots of interesting people.

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Her go-to icebreaker when she goes somewhere is to admit she’s nervous to be there by herself, but that she couldn’t resist the beautiful decor; or, she might ask what the person sitting next to her recommends on the menu. “It becomes less of being alone and more just, ‘I’m doing this thing to seek connections outside of who I already have in my circle,’” she says.

If you feel awkward, remind yourself of your “why”

Gaddy’s clients are often skeptical about going places alone because they don’t want others to assume they’re lonely or friendless. Won’t everyone gawk at that weirdo claiming a table for one? Probably not. That kind of thinking is an example of a cognitive bias called the spotlight effect. “We tend to believe people are paying more attention to us than they actually are,” Gaddy says. In reality, no one is likely to notice or care who you’re with or what you’re doing; they’re too focused on themselves.

Keep sight of your “why”—the reason you’re trying to get more comfortable with being your own company. “If your goal is to travel outside of the state or the country by yourself, then remind yourself, ‘This is a step toward that goal,'” she says. You can also practice mindfulness techniques, like taking a few deep breaths or visualizing something peaceful, she adds.

Learn from reflection

When Gaddy’s clients report back after solo outings, she asks them to walk her through the experience: What kind of initial butterflies did they have? “What were the narratives that helped them get into the restaurant, get seated, and get through the dinner?” she says. “What were those gentle reminders that pushed them through that? Because we can carry those into other scenarios.”

In the future, when you board a plane alone or are standing solo in the line to get into the concert venue, you’ll be able to replay those encouraging messages to keep your nerves at bay.

Celebrate your accomplishments

The next time you venture out alone, reframe it as taking yourself on a date. When you get home, spend a few minutes celebrating the experience, Khoja suggests. Maybe that means journaling or posting a selfie on Instagram. Give yourself kudos for stepping outside of your comfort zone, even if it felt hard or if things didn’t go exactly as planned. “That way, you associate doing something alone with celebration,” she adds, which will buoy your efforts going forward.

Remember: Spending time alone doesn’t mean you’re lonely

One of the biggest misconceptions Danny Stewart hears about enjoying solitude is that it means you’re lonely. He grew up in a big family—he’s one of five siblings—and always looked forward to his birthday, which was the one day a year he got to pick where his family ate and what they did. “Getting to be selfish for a day was a treat,” says Stewart, 27, who lives in Mokena, Ill.

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As an adult, he relishes his alone time when he gets to choose exactly what to do, and regularly goes to concerts, movies, baseball games, and conventions by himself. Yet that doesn’t mean he’d pick spending time alone over being with his friends and family. “Life is still a team game. People give me strength, and spending time with loved ones is my favorite thing in the world,” he says. “At the same time, spending time alone is part of my story, too.”

He thinks of his solo adventures as his personal lore, something he’ll turn over in his mind and smile about years from now. “Spending time by myself makes me appreciate those moments with my friends and family more,” he says, “and spending time with all of my loved ones all the time makes me appreciate alone time more.”